I am what I am

Last night was Cranium WOW night at my humble home. I think I was expecting more people to come than the 7 that did, but really that was all the people I physically invited so I don't know why I was expecting more. I love the people who were here. I had a good time. I stress out over trying to make sure people are having a good time, though, which detracts slightly from my own enjoyment of the goings-on. I also realize that I have the habit of falling into the psychological rut of living in bad faith. I don't exactly mean what Sartre does by "bad faith"- the idea that I avoid decisions and choices and pretending not to have free will. I mean that sometimes I act in ways that aren't consistent with who I am without reservations, my private self at home, my self as a totally comfortable human being. I love free will. I love making bad decisions and acting psychotic and unexplainable and obscene. I delight in mild inappropriateness and foul language. Then I fear that this manner of living estranges me from more graceful, kind, and probably bettering people. I know it puts others in discomfort. I have no problem turning my switch back and forth to accommodate myself to others, but when I cross and mingle my different friends (much like the crossing of the streams in Ghostbusters) I feel like I look ridiculous and detached from both friend groups, as well as hypocritical for not being who they know me to be when it's just personal time.

So here's the truth. I am a malleable person. I do what I want to, behave how I want to, when I want to.

But I feel bad if that makes you feel bad.

See? Bad faith.